Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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