im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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