my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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