I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I am available for nakedness
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
