just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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