for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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