No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
