OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
