My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
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