i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
