I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
