if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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