I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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