Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Randomize
