Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
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