I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
