She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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