After last night, I could never be a politician.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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