Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Is it penis luge time yet?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
