watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
