In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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