when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
