I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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