My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I need to stop coming to work sober
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
