I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I licked your asshole in confidence.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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