I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
