Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
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