note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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