After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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