By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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