So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
