wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
