If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Randomize
