we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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