So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
