Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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