well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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