he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Are my feet made of real feet?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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