we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
