i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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