The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
