there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
