woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
