between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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