She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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