she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
