so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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