I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
