Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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