I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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