mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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