Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
