32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Just pee around me
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
