We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
