I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm too high and old for this...
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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