I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
