I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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