you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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