11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
